Hope came over today. She’s been stopping by frequently in the past months, often staying weeks on end. I’m usually elated when she’s around, but today it was difficult to see her again.
She’s an old friend, and not an infrequent visitor. Over the years she’s been a consistent figure in my life, and I often forget what it’s like to not have her around. Recently she’s been in and out, not staying for months on end as in years before.
Since she’s been by last, things have become quite tenuous. It was hard to see her again, and update her on what is happening. Stress levels climbing, patience thinning. I was almost feeling resentful of her last visit. I had to tell her I’d nearly forgotten our conversation last time. Maybe I’d blocked it out.
Her visit was unexpected this time. In my heart I always want to see her, but I wasn’t planning on reaching out. She’s rather inconsistent these days if you ask me. I expected more of her. When she’s here, I forget what it’s like to not have her nearby. I think I’m just fearful of her leaving after she does come.
My internal monologue tells me to not listen to her. I think she has my best interests in mind, but isn’t grounded in reality. I’m an optimist — but first — a realist. Things aren’t getting better. I wish she’d just let me be some days, let me live in the present and not set me up to be disappointed by false expectations.
“It’s not getting any better!” I plead to her ever-cheerful, calm face. “You don’t understand what we’re going through, you haven’t been here.”
She chides me in my moments of doubt. Reminds me the present is temporary. That this situation I’ve found myself in may not be happening on purpose, but it can be used for a purpose.
Hope plants little seeds in my heart, lifting my spirits.
I see her spending time with other people. I feel jealous, wishing I was there. I could be, there’s always an open invitation. I have fear, though. Fear she is giving others a false impression of reality. I don’t say anything because she’s really quite sweet and seems to be helping, especially these days when I feel quite incapable.
Hope is that obnoxiously positive and optimistic friend, always showing you the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days I just want to stop chasing. To run back into the dark and not come out until the light comes to find me.
Hope reminds me to dream when my circumstances aren’t ideal. Reminds me that my circumstances don’t need to dictate my emotions. I feel we have found a good balance; I keep us grounded and she keeps us looking towards the future.
I’m thankful she’s back, I really am. I think this will be a longer stay, maybe like in years past. Even if she does leave, I’m sure she’ll be back soon.