Taking Control

We have much more influence over our lives than we realize — and the ability to control and take responsibility for own behavior and circumstances.

Thinking about control is fascinating to me. Who has it? When is it appropriate to use it? How do you get it? What is our relationship to it?

Control; The power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.

The past couple years have been challenging in ways that were new to me — numerous circumstances that felt outside my realm of control. This shared experience of a global pandemic, the passing of my dad last September, the physical and emotional experience of a major surgery, moving back and forth between Northern Michigan and Los Angeles, a change in career... Through these experiences, I’ve had this recurring, stupid simple thought that hits me in an unexpected way —

I chose my life.

I haven’t chose all these things to happen, but I am actively choosing how to respond and what story I tell myself about how they affect my life. I’m seeing how rather than feeling subject to circumstances we may not be 100% satisfied with, acknowledgement and acceptance of the role we play in our own lives gives us authority (and responsibility) to take action if we feel like we’ve lost control.

There are many scenarios in life where we do have the ability to change our circumstances if we don’t like them. Unhappy with your job? Find a new one. Not pleased with your weight? Eat better and start moving. Not satisfied in a relationship? Communicate with your partner. In pain? Personally, I’m on track to see my 6th doctor. Of course this is an overly simplistic introduction, but the idea of taking control of life puts us in a problem-solving mindset rather than a passive one.

We could also get philosophical, quote Cioran, and debate the issue of being born into this experience of life we truly never chose. There are also massive exceptions to the idea of being in control when someone’s basic needs or safety are compromised, but humor me with my musings on control of the non–essentials (define these at your own risk) and emotional aspects of life.

Owning our expectations makes it so much easier to process and move through difficult circumstances. Instead of being hung up on feelings of being let down, we can move forward with the facts and grow.

To quote my rational mother —

“I’d rather see growth in you than give compassion.”

Okay, mom. Let’s get on with it. Tactically, what does taking control of your circumstances look like?

We choose the stories we tell and believe about our lives. We’re all living in a narrative of what the world and others tell us we should or shouldn’t do. Cultural expectations, assumptions of what life should look like based off gender, families we were raised in... These stories are deeply imbedded in how we see ourselves. They can sit explicitly on the surface, but are often more subtle, subconsciously influencing how we see our lives. Do we choose to align ourselves to these stories? The story given to you by others about what you can or cannot do is just that — a story.

I would like to question these stories. Expectations are healthy — when properly communicated and agreed on — but they aren’t the exception to critical thinking.

I regularly have moments of feeling that I haven’t done enough. For example, the feeling that I haven’t made enough money or had enough financial success. I haven’t progressed far enough in my career. I don’t have enough influence.

When I start thinking in terms of enough or should I start asking myself why.

• What does enough mean? At what point will I be satisfied?
• Who set these expectations for me?
• Why am I holding myself to them?
• Who didn’t achieve the expectations she set for herself?

Asking these questions of myself is a reminder that I have control over the expectations I set for my life and control of (many) variables that influence those expectations.

An idea I’ve fallen in love with recently is the principle of being High Agency. High Agency people look to bend reality to their will. High Agency people find a way, or make one. They don’t look for reasons to stop, they look for alternate paths and solutions.

I love this quote from Steve Jobs –

“Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use.”

There are external factors in play that affect our lives — to question that would be absurd. But in situations where we are faced with circumstances or situations that truly are outside our control, we are left with one thing we can control – our attitudes.

You can’t defer your attitude to others. Pain and pleasure in life is relative to what we see around us, we orient our attitudes to life based off our experiences. Our emotional reactions to circumstances don’t need to dictate our lives.

Accepting responsibility gives us the opportunity to look within ourselves. To return to Cioran, and satisfy my taste for dry humor –

“What do you do from morning to night?”

“I endure myself.”

We’re all here dealing with ourselves. Our emotions. Our feelings. The assumptions and expectations we set — for ourselves. Taking responsibility for our attitudes and circumstances gives us back control, which is the hardest place to be because when we’re in control we can’t shift blame. The responsibility for finding satisfaction, happiness and peace with life is totally ours — if we choose it.