The paradox of trust

I’ve found myself again in the cyclical process of forming a number of new relationships in these past couple years. Relationships are quite transient — some surpass distance and time — others are just meant to exist for short periods. I’ve come to realize that relationships are to be held lightly. Care deeply, but hold lightly.

When I was younger, relationships seemed very easy and lightweight to me. As I’ve gained more focus in my goals and priorities, I’ve become more guarded with my time, energy, and the trust I give to others. Exploring collaborations with colleagues, forming friendships in new cities, testing the waters in dating relationships, reigniting bonds with old friends and family — there seem to be an endless amount of evaluations to be made on how to communicate, care, engage and trust.

Despite a light-hearted approach to life, I’ve long held to the philosophy that trust should be earned. What does it truly mean to earn trust? Trust only matters when there’s risk and uncertainty. In giving or withholding trust we pass a judgment, setting a guard against the unknown.

What does it really mean to trust someone? To be trusted by someone is not the same thing as trusting someone. Trust is a two-way relationship, it’s not symmetrical. Both parties have to take small steps to test the waters and slowly build the relationship. There must be a give and take for a healthy, balanced relationship. It’s not a single-sided effort, but someone has to take that first step of vulnerability to get the ball rolling. One party can’t be allowed to earn trust without being given opportunity to show up and prove they are reliable. The paradox of trust lies in this balance. In order to be trusted, you need to be a trustworthy person.

Trust also exists in a parallel. Someone’s judgment can be trustworthy but not their intentions, or vice versa. These are not mutually inclusive.

Erin Meyer talks about two fundamental types of trust — cognitive trust and affective trust. They aren’t exclusive of each other, but have different components. Cognitive trust is logical. It’s the confidence gained from seeing another person’s behavior, accomplishments and skills. While cognitive trust from the head, affective trust comes from the heart. It arises from feelings of emotional closeness, empathy or friendship.

What comes first, trust or proven competence? We each individually grow trust in different ways. Our personality, culture and tendencies all influence how we decide to trust — or not trust — others. Oftentimes I lead with my logical side and not my relational (affective) side. I’m trying to be more aware of creating a space for others to feel comfortable to show their best self — not feel on guard or defensive.

Trust is a crucial component of healthy relationships, and requires effort and care to build and maintain. It’s important to create opportunities for people to show up. Hold ourselves to the standards we expect from others. Practice forgiveness and let go of grudges. Set our boundaries and show respect for others.

Ernest Hemingway summarized it best,

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”